Clearing way for the stars, one streetlight at a time...

2010-01-26T02:17:00.000-08:00

ive been sinking for over a year.

Trying to stop drinking has become very hard. Im not going to lie.

In fact, the hardest thing ive ever tried to do.

Things keep fucking popping up.

Thinking about my mother like this...hasent been here..this feeling was supposed to be gone a long fucking time ago. but its still fucking here.
this isnt fucking cool. I wish I could calm down but its very hard.

I'm so fucked. this hole is too deep.

2010-01-16T18:23:00.000-08:00

Been running, havent been drinking, slacking at least an hour a day, waking up at 7am most of the days(except on weekends), Now all i need is a job and some more climbing/camping friends

2010-01-10T14:32:00.001-08:00

Last night I felt pretty terrible. I got drunk and started remember a stupid dream that Ive been having, which depresses the shit out of me. I don't remember my dreams cause I don't get enough sleep, when I do sleep is usually when Ive taken part in drugs and or alcohol. Mainly alcohol. Either way, the dreams aren't that great, usually scary and involving death in some way, me not being able to run..and a hippo...which tries to viciously kill me every time it sees me and my only escape is into water, which is just fucking weird and scary. Aside from that, I have a new dream thats already reoccurred three times. Its me looking at myself in the future, the far future, and im staring at my eyes, and then I slowly back away to see myself, old and depressed looking...balding and nasty looking, I back out even more to see the apartment that I'm sitting in has absolutely nothing in it, except a chair and myself..Then I go through a flashback type thing and see all the depressing things that have happened to my future self and wake up.

It's pretty much scaring the shit out of me.

I need to start my life.

Europe anyone?

2010-01-04T02:53:00.000-08:00

Well, its 2010...I started it out pretty drunk..for almost three days straight. Big woop to me for making a fool of myself a couple of times but whatever, I really don't care that much. Spent some time in San Fransisco with some close friends (even slept on a couch with Joey B..haha). That night was semi awkward..ran around and got drunk with people I hardly new..then made fun of everyone with Joey..while getting trashed and passing out. The next night was pretty similar but I got a bit too trashed too early.

Tomorrow, or should I say this morning, I'm headed out to Oregon with my brother and some of our friends. Pretty excited to be five minutes away from the beach for six days. Gonna try and write, take photos/video, read, drink a lot, eat some bomb food, and hopefully not get in too many fights with my brother. Also, I bought a slackline with some Christmas money, which is pretty much my new best friend...hopefully there will be a cool spot to set up in Oregon.

More French New Wave..which is amazing. Godard is genus. Period.

At least I don't hate everything right now.

2009-12-24T02:53:00.000-08:00

How fucked up, I cant think of a single good fucking sentence..too much shit to try and write down and I'm not creative enough and lack a large vocabulary.

I watched 'The Road' by myself tonight, it feels good(yet slightly depressing) to have a theater all to yourself. If I had the money I would probably spend more time in one..or if Modesto wasn't SHIT and actually started playing good films.

I have been watching a large amount of film lately, very inspiring and moving films..that makes me want to get back into film making..on my walks I think about my old story's///scripts///ideas///shots that I had and really want make that shit happen. I'm going to bust out my dusty ass camera and play with some shots and relearn how to use Premiere and After Effects..and start working on a script and building a vocabulary...I wish I wasn't a dropout, I wish school wasn't shit. I don't need it but it would sure be fucking nice to know how to write(especially if thats what I like doing)

Things I have watched that have kicked me in the balls:

Pierrot Le Fou-Jean-Luc Godard
Solaris-Andrei Tarkovsky
The Spirit of the Beehive-Victor Erice
La Haine-Mathieu Kassovitz
Sin Nombre-Cary Fukunaga
The Trap-Srdjan Golubovic
As Revoir Les Enfants-Louis Malle
Following-Christopher Nolan
A nos amours-Maurice Pialat

Well..thats a short bit off the top of my head, if you can watch any of those I suggest you do so..(French New Wave is fucking amazing)

2010.............Shit.

2009-12-21T01:37:00.001-08:00

Haven't written much.

Been thinking a lot. Clouded as usual.
Walking seems to be the only outlet that is keeping me happy..or sane..or insane. I dunno.

Its good though, Ive come to love Modesto a tiny bit more with my walks. Probably cause I'm not interacting with any of the people that live here. Probably cause -late at night- no one is there to bother me, no one is there to create shitty situations that I could be involved in. I guess that is one downside, not having anyone there.

I talk to this city. I don't want to fall in love with this city, I want to stay clear of any involvement whatsoever..I just want to get away from here.

It's a good feeling though. To have someone there late at night. accepting to all of my thoughts and utter shittyness.

My dreams have been bothering me lately..very vivid dreams about my mother and war. Dirty, dark, smelly, wet, depressing. Its good to see her smile though. She always smiled no matter how tough the situation was..unless of course my brother and I were fighting..her crying was the only thing that made us stop.

I know the next few months are going to be hard. as much as I'm looking forward to leaving 09 I'm not looking forward to being in 10. Shit will be rough. I'm not scared. I just really don't want to deal with bullshit.

I dont think ive been a good friend lately. I dont know what to do.

Fuck.

A dead sad man

2009-11-30T05:00:00.000-08:00

My sleep has been getting worse. Winter usually keeps me up.

I really dont know what to write about.

Guess I am starting a band with some pretty close friends of mine, its easy to get excited about but I havent had the best of luck with bands(or anything really) so I dont want to get my hopes up.

I haven't written in my actual journal in a few weeks. Its weird how it comes in phases. Either I'm constantly writing in it or its just sitting in my bag> Its so close to being finished, Ive had it for almost two years now. One journal in Two years. Ive never finished a journal before. It is going to feel weird for sure.

I really hope to start climbing in January, I have missed it soo much this last few months. Climbing is one of the only things that makes me feel really good. Its something I think I need in order to slow down my mental craziness.

I really have nothing cool to talk about, Just feel like writing down randomness.

I'm very frustrated with nothing. I judge myself way too much. I cant be the person I want to be. I feel like I've been digging this hole for years now. I don't know how to change it.

Lets see what happens.

DESTROY EVERYTHING

2009-11-20T02:40:00.000-08:00

Getting harassed by cops, a really good friend going to jail(whom is bailed out as of now), a lot of learning experiences, mental frustration, people sucking, people sucking more, walking around all of Berkeley, forgot about, dropped of the face of the earth, being hungry, thinking about how dumb I am for actually thinking something could work, drinking a very large amount of alcohol, not sleeping, not eating, depression.

Sums up my last month. I am still here.

For a little bit I was in the gutter, really bad. Its hard to even admit it, its hard to think about how much energy, trust, and excitement I put into something that thinks "it is what it is"...I mean seriously...eat your own words, stop the contradictions.

I crawled the fuck out of that, so fucking tight.

I'm very proud of myself for getting myself to this point. It's still hard to think about certain things and I do get pissed(that people could actually be like that) but really, I don't give a fuck.

I fight for people, if they don't want to be fought for...then they can step the fuck back and enjoy eating their ice cream by themselves(I fucking hate ice cream)Id rather be as weird, stupid, funny, chill, drunk, happy, fucked up, awesome with people who actually care, with people who wont stab my back(although, I have learned that that may not always be true..even if they WERE as close as they were)who WILL TRULY unconditionally love me.

Yes, I am still here. Exhausted, somewhat depressed(its not rare for someone to be depressed you know, and for those who know me, it comes with me...i talk about it sometimes to myself, which is what im doing now...so deal with it...ASSHOLES)bummed about the confirmed fee hikes, excited for the occupations happening at UCSC and UCLA(http://uclaresists.blogspot.com/, im too lazy to find any more links)and am looking forward to making a great weekend.

I met some really cool people the last couple of days, didn't get to really get to spend much time with them, nor did I really get to know them..but I will take some swigs for them in the future.

I hope this didn't make any fucking sense, and hope that anyone who reads this laughed a lot even though it isn't that funny, I will try and post more pointless crap from my wandering mind later.

Nighty night...(some of you)

broken glass and hearts the same

2009-11-02T07:56:00.000-08:00

The same song is playing in my head. I have these moments, more often than not, where I wake up really early and think about the shit that's happened to me since the last time I...woke up early and thought about shit. Nothing really has changed, its quite upsetting to experience the same feeling, happy or not, over and over again and have the same shitty outcome, ultimately being that I end up laying on the floor listening to the same sad song over and over again. What am I supposed to do?

My hopes and dreams aren't very hard to acquire...really. I don't need much. It's difficult for me to think straight and be a real person without this pain and confusion, it's difficult for me to have feeling or emotion or to gain in life without going through this. It;s something I have to accept.

I feel lost and like broken glass. I wish there was something I could do to stop these mornings from happening, the song is great and my house is warm but my heart feels broken and like it's falling apart and like it will be a long time until it actually glows.

I just want to climb rocks, sit by a fire, drink a beer or two and love life forever.
I hope it happens soon.

Me and the mountain

2009-10-24T03:08:00.000-07:00

I like to stare at the mountain
inhale it like air

learn about its many years
see its true color
see its true power

I like to walk slowly
upon its trails
and mud
and dirt
and rock

i like to meditate under the sun
until my skin tells me to stop

I like to drink from its streams
and make fires with its fallen trees

the mountain is a home to many
and after I stare at it
enough to see it
for what it really is
I want to be apart of it
like the trees and the rocks

...

2009-09-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to leave this place...I cant stand all the bullshit anymore, I cant even take care of myself mentally or physically. Whatever happened to me, hit me hard and its very overwhelming. I am bad for myself and for other people. It is time for me to pack my bag and walk until I feel right and at peace.

Late night ASMZ

2009-09-03T02:59:00.000-07:00

"The frailty of everything revealed at last. Old and troubling issues resolved into nothingness and night. The last instance of a thing takes the class with it. Turns out the light and is gone. Look around you. Ever is a long time. But the boy knew what he knew. That ever is no time at all."
— Cormac McCarthy (The Road)

Things I like and do.

2009-09-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

Psychogeography

2009-09-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

I've been playing a lot more Guitar and Writing poetry and or lyrics, It makes me feel happy and sad and all for a good reason. I think I was at a point where nothing was helping me and I figured that I can restart with my guitar..like how it was when I first started playing. The sounds create an emotion which creates the words and I like that. I need to not think when I walk..I need to just experience the now and feed off of the emotion that it gives me instead of pissing myself off.

Thanks to some bike rides I feel better.

Next:

1.Climbing again
2.Being 100% healthy Vegan again
3.Learning how to think clearly
4.Getting a job
5.Getting a house(I'll move anywhere, convince me)
6.Wolf

:/

2009-08-30T04:23:00.001-07:00

The heat adds to my frustration and anger, I cant sleep and I get to stare at the computer and wonder about random things, good and bad. I dream now of sail boats and the sea, the feeling is great and lacks loneliness and sadness. Its never really dark nor silent, always something in the air..my whistles float along side my home and the stars bright up the night with their story's that I create. Of course that's ages away, I'm in the now...and unfortunately that consists of my fathers apartment floor, Top Ramen, loveless life and figuring out who my real friends are the hard way.

I can close my eyes and be happy for a few seconds, but I always have to open them. Its weird to think that to be happy I have to keep my eyes closed, and even then..the happiness explodes like a chaotic school of fish running away from a toad fetching child. The murky water has bright flowers, they just have to show themselves

2009-08-11T18:15:00.001-07:00

You guys arent concidered old friends to me, you guys are THE friends that I know will be here at all times, I know that no matter what, ill have you guys to go too and youll be there for me. Youre always on my mind, no matter who im with or where Im at. This summer has been quite interesting for me, and I still havent gotten to explore enough of myself and the new people that I have met. I cant wait to get back home and continue hanging out with both all of my friends, I can be honest and say it will be hard to get to all of them(for some strange reason I have a lot of different groups of friends, which im not used to..I'm used to being a looser and proud of it) but no matter what, Ill take shots under the stars with all of you.

So, today was less frustrating..I think School and Work were only brought up a couple of times, I got to try out Mid West Mex food...which BLOWS, I thank science and and few other things for Modesto having a crap load of good mex food, and I finally found a used copy of Kon Tiki, which so far is pretty tight. I hate Choke, I think its a piece of shit and I hope that Author DIES(kidding) and Jim Carrol's The Basketball Diaries is cool as fuck.

I'm considering going to ExPressions...I really dont care though, seems like a dumb idea...I hate film students and I dont want to become one but it would be cool to get my hand on some production again.

Yay, I'll be back on Saturday night...WHOS DOWN FOR SOME SHOTS OF WHISKEY!?

My Father, Btother and I in 2007

2009-08-09T17:04:00.000-07:00

I layed all day, Inside my head...again

2009-08-09T00:41:00.001-07:00

I dont know what it is, do I like to confuse myself? PLace myself in the middle of an emotional fire for no reason? compare myself to my father? Why dont I continue on everyday, make my own new story and keep the anger, hate, and frustration out of it?

If I was where I wanted to be, would I be happy? would I never think about killing myself; or will it snowball the size of the highest peaks in the Sierras?

Sometimes I spend all day thinking about reasons I should die, I think about the my future and it stops in sadness, anger, and loneliness. I stare at my staind apartment ceiling, the same one ive been looking at for 20 years, and see nothing new. Nothing worth it.

Sure, Im happy, really happy. I love looking at things outside my fucked up head, I look forward to seeing certain people, places and things, I love.

I'm lost, and dont know what to do.

{dont worry, i dont think about ways to kill myself and never will, i just make myself depressed and dont know how to stop}

Wisconsin honestly isnt that great, just normal...I wasnt expecting much coming here, other than what I expected, which was all the bad stuff. I mean, my cousins and I are having a great time along with everyone else, its just not life changing, we have been watching movies the entire time, I think Im going to spend the rest of the week doing some more fun stuff and try to wake up early. I think im too young and too old at the same time. Fuck

Wisconsin Rambling

2009-08-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

My trip to Wisconsin has been quite uneventful. I wasnt able to sleep for a few days so I was kind of in recovery mode..its 2 a.m. here, two hours ahead of Modesto..so it screws me up even more.)

The air is nice here...quiet, peaceful, fresh. Lightning storms and thunder storm warnings(town alarm..kinda apocalyptic)are very pretty..seems like everywhere I have gone have had them, wish modesto did.

My father and I are probably going to get into a lot of fights while I'm here and It kind opf sucks.

I wrote in my journal last night for the first time in about a month and a half.

Everyone here hates the fact that I'm Vegatarian and say that I'm causind them "hell", a good laugh Id ssay.

When I go back to modesto I have a few things that I want to do in mind. one being a job(finally) and getting myself prepared for school.

Hopefully everything works out and I dont kill myself before then

I love my new modesto friends and the adventures weve been going on( I did Acid for the first time and It was amazing, fought demons...won, flew in some battle ship with all my friends{a Dodge Dart})

That stuff Ill probably write about in my journal and if anything good comes up ill post it on here.

I'm somewhat depressed right now..could be girl drama, or the nonexistant girl drama..who knows. I'm going to try and drink myself to sleep tonight so I can forget a few things and ACTUALLY get some sleep.

Goodnight.

Nothing new

2009-07-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

Seven days until my father, brother and I's big trip to Wisconsin. Getting pretty excited about that. Been downloading a lot of music lately and FINALLY got my Ichi The Killer back, so watched it a couple times...I swear it has the coolest looking case ever. Ive been pretty uncreative lately, kinda becoming a problem, my friend and I are trying to make a zine and I''m completely failing on my part..I'm assuming my trip to Wisconsin will get me pretty creative, which is good news for the both of us.

My bikes been working and Ive been riding. I wish my camera was fixed, Id have stuff to post and keep people updated everyday with. but I don't, so whatever.

Been listening too

Isis-Waving Raidiant
Kylesa-Static Tensions
El Michels affair-Enter the 37 chambers

Oh yeah, How could I forget. My friend Theo and I got together and decided to get Food Not Bombs started back up. We had our first meeting and it went crazy well.

Here are the links for people who stumble on this and wanna know what it is and stuff..

Modestofoodnotbombs@gmail.com
Myspace.com/modestofoodnotbombs

Email us if you have questions and or wanna be involved, ass us too

Old bike ride

2009-07-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

Modesto Blues

Our rivers,
creeks,
and Streams
Full of broken couches,
shopping carts
and T.V.'s
I Cant do this anymore
I think Im
turning blue
Thank you modesto
for the shitty blues

Awsome

2009-07-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

2009-07-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Haven't written much. I think Ive lost complete confidence in my writing and actually have friends on here looking at my stuff, I like it better just being the internet world and I..I guess it still is, and I need to stop caring so much. O well.

Had the worst time trying to fix my bike the other day, problem after problem with that goddamn thing. Made me miss working at the bike shop..a lot. I miss Chris, Derek, Garren, Jud, Bug, and other cool cats, messing around and making fun of customers. I'm talkin about before I had my falling out, when I actually got work done, and could have been a respected Bike Tech. Then I fucked it all up. I tend to fuck things up, I don't care either. Sometimes I go out of my way and fuck things up, sometimes I don't.

I lost my wallet..its going to suck trying to go through an airport without an ID, and shits already fucking up with school and my identification..GREAT ONE DAVID.

Its been really hot here, and my little ass apartment sucks in the heat like a hungry fat man. Feels like he's burping it all straight to me too. Ive actually used my apartments pool a few times which is completely un normal.

Ive met a lot of people this last two weeks, dont really remember any of their names, I wish I didn't do that, I'm going to try supper hard to try and not do it in Wisconsin.

I dont know Anything about Tour De France...its confusing a dumb, pretty bourgeoisie..looks fun, and I can respect them as athletes but really, fuck those kinds of sports..Ill steal those pricks bikes, sell them, and feed the poor for a year. WHAT NOW LANCE...WHAT NOW!?

I should make my photos smaller before I post them on here, that way they dont get cut out like down there...

|
V

I need to learn a lot about internet stuff for this thing...

I lay at home all day today..

2009-07-09T00:50:00.000-07:00

IM A GHOST

SIKE!!

I think I have been way to harsh on myself. I need to relax, give myself a break. There is really nothing wrong, so why make it seem like it? I have some future to look forward too, a lot of it. It's my choice to make it good or bad and I realllly don't want to feel like shit all the time

My brother broke my camera. I haven't used it much lately and didn't care about it until it was broken, sucks that I couldn't take pictures in Arizona, Oregon, Washington..and wont be able to in Wisconsin either. It's okay though, I'm sure I'll fix it soon or something

I'm going to cut back on alcohol as much as I can, I actually like the taste of beer so I'm not going to stop but I'm not going to get drunk everyday.

This is my brothers and sisters from the same mother diff father(from left to right, Andy, Jennifer, Becky, And Anthony.

We really didn't hang out much or get to know each other until after my mother died. We have hung out a lot since then and have become closer, its just not the same(annnyways). My brother, Anthony, is getting married August 1st and its a pretty big deal for him and unfortunately my brother(Daniel, same father and mother) and I are not going to be able to attend the wedding because we are leaving for Wisconsin on the same day. Sucks really bad, I'd wayyy rather go to the wedding, but I cant really miss the Wisconsin deal..:/ Luckily We all understand the situation so its not a crazy big deal.

That's my mommy.

And here is something that kinda explains things

(This is somting that my older sister wrote...

Im pretty sure that the feelings are the same for all of us...

This is how it ended.

We were just leaving Dennys after a much needed rest from the hospital. The doctor called me and I was informed that the no tubes stipulation of the advance care directive was coming into play. it can be an hour, four hours, or 24. I recommend that you and your family return to the hospital immediately..

We returned to the hospital. She was in a lot of visible pain before, but it seemed to be better now. The doctors had upped the morphine. Mom was still conscious but very altered. Given the pain, that was a more acceptable state.

She hung on for a few more hours. We sat next to her bedside in turns, holding her hand. During my turn, I noticed that her breathing was getting more and more shallow. I held her hand as the life left her body. Jenn ran and got the boys. The alert light flashed silently; no one would intervene.

Time of death: 5:03 Am on 4-19-2006.

I am not okay.)

She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 2 years before she died(I think)

(I remembered my old photobucket password, so I got old pictures to look at)

Alrighttt thats it for now, didnt mean to get depressing at the end, I promise

Randomness

2009-07-08T02:14:00.001-07:00

No matter what I do this shitty ghastly feeling never leaves. I can be miles away from civilization with good friends, on a plain to visit family, looking into the vast emptiness of the desert, I still feel like I'm a ghost. It feel's weird writing to you. The people who read this, especially the ones that I know. Kinda feels like my friends can see me naked, whenever they want, which is bad. I feel like I cant write what I want because my good friends are going to be there to read and judge me, my thoughts, and my writing. I want to get away from that feeling but I don't know how to.

Whatever, it's something that I've been trying to deal with for a long while now. Nothing helps my mind the way it used to. Star gazing helps but its so hard down here, tucked in the disgusting pollution blanket. Climbing helped me, its difficult to pay for the membership every month though, and I'd rather do real climbing..with Joshie.

I think the solution to my problem will take me years to figure out, Knowing that dosent help at all though. I continue to try and find ways to help me, loosing every time.

Well, I'm not drunk...which is a change, perhaps one that wont stay very long.

I lost my wallet, so I cant really go to the store anytime I want too, and really dont feel like seeing if everyone remembers my face or not(I look to damn young for it to matter, sunny knows my name and still asks for my ID...)

It has been along time since I've fell asleep to Godspeed You! Black Emperor and I plan on doing that tonight.

I am going to Wisconsin on August 1st to visit family on my fathers side. This should be fun, other than the fact that everyone is going to bug me about my life and what not, hopefully I dont get too upset and can feel like I actually have a family.

I want to see my friend Joshie or Joey seem to be the only ones that help me out when I'm in my little slumps.

I'm trying to write down everything, as I think it.

Guess I'm done.

2009-07-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Lightning surrounds out here in the desert, its kind of strange. You can see it from miles away, in all directions. Flash after flash. I haven't had a lot of alone time, yet again and we leave tonight, when explosions in the sky will be seen just like the lightning.

I think I'm going to take a walk for myself, there is a really cool park around the corner...full of cactus, fox, snakes, scorpions, and little ponds full of fish.

I was just going to write down a bunch of shit about how I wanted to have a job and be going to school...but fuck that. I'm not going to waste my time on that yet. Until that point where I cross my line, I'm to try to be as free as I possibly can. All over the fucking states.

Walky time.

Arizona

2009-07-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything about my trip to Arizona at all yet. Driving, sleeping, looking for aliens in Sedona, thinking about jumping off the edge of the Grand Canyon and star gazing have taken up most of my time. I'm on and off socially, looking for a connection that I have not yet found...other than in Cats and Dogs. Seeing a barn owl in the middle of an LA town affected me more than I thought it ever could have.

The first nights on the road were great. Fresno had me spinning like crazy in its cold river's, sharing drinks of Whiskey with great friends in broken into spa's and climbing onto rooftops with new ones. Everyone felt good around each other...

Riverside brought a lot of excitement, more than thought it could have. Met some really great people. Again, spent another night in a spa, I slept outside wanting to of it wake up to the sun and the heat of the season. The view of the mountains were breathtaking . Shared the top with a Hawk who yelled down at us. It felt good to just sit there and stare at it high above me. Walking into the Mission Inn like we owned it brought a warm excitement only brought on by fear and happiness. We drank Expensive champagne and chocolate strawberry on it's rooftop, looking down at the unsuspecting city.

I drove through the desert, it was fantastic.

Everyday has acted as pieces of my puzzle, large and lost and probably never to be put together, it still feels good to put in a new piece. It makes it easier for me to look up in hope everyday. Which I need. Depression will always linger, but only if I let it.

I know what this is, I enjoy it. I need it. I will fight for it.

Took a few months off

2009-06-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

So, I've written a lot of things since the last post, not on my blog but on Myspace/livejournal/notepads/my real journal/bathroom walls. I could re-post everything, get everything on here for everyone to enjoy in one little spot, but thats not so much fun...Is it?

Either way, there is some stuff I'll put up on here and some stuff I wont. I could go in circles with this, so im going to stop.

This is from my journal and is more recent, really recent:JUNE 22nd, 2:32 A.M.

Didnt really feel like writing this past week or so. As much as I enjoy doing this, I think I hate it(writing). Over the weekend I went backpacking with John and a few other new and not so new friends. Overall I enjoyed the whole trip but I feel as if I didnt use much of the time for myself, mentally. (all I wrote)

From my myspace: Overflowing pool of thought that I dont know how to think about

I think I have forgotten how to think right. I go out of my way, everyday, to avoid thinking about stuff I should be thinking about. Thoughts and feelings that have developed from my past, present and future are constantly being pushed aside by me and its creating a frustrating and overwhelming feeling that's becoming very hard to deal with. I try to do things to avoid thinking about everything, set it all aside, creating a gigantic pool of thought that sits there, waiting for a chance to get let out and every time it does I don't know what to do, so I run away from it. Ive recently started noticing it a lot and its bugging me. With friends I'm becoming distant and boring, quiet and not fun to be around. This Isn't what I want. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I hate who I'm becoming, mentally.

So, thats a bit of whats been coming out of my drunk hands. Today I feel pretty good, over all. I dont know what it is, maybe it actually being summer makes me feel a little better, its good though, I need to stop feeling like shit all the time. People who are meeting me arent really seeing the real 'Davy', just gloomy Davy. Hopefully I'll spend a lot of time this summer sneaking into high school pools, late night bike rides, watching movies with new people, and not being so depressed. Although, I will admit that this could be a slow phase and can see myself in the same depressed mood as early as tonight. Its not something I can control, as most of you know.

I feel like I'm writing this to someone, which is good. Part of my problem is that I feel like I have no one to talk to. This is kinda of like an inaginary friend...or a million of them. I can act as if you are my best friend for best results. I will, however, change the names of people and places just for their sake. It would be unfair for me to put everyone on blast...:/

Poem:

My lips are numb
with stale alcohol
I think drunkily, slowly, hazily

I feel alone
I am alone
With bad memories
alone with my past
can hurt more than a
punch to the face

No way out
still, eyes open
looking for an escape

The bottom of the bottle
is the beggining
of the next

That is all for now. Im going to remember that I have this, and actually use it. And if youve made it this far, I thank you for being one of my imaginary best friends.

First Post...Woohoo

2009-03-05T16:59:00.000-08:00

Blogging is something that I've just seriously discovered, I knew it has been around...just never really checked it out. Here I am though, Blogging away. I'm not too sure how I'm going to use this, I figure it will just flow, If I wanna post music I can, although I'm sure you can get it anywhere else..and If I wanna make it more personal and like a journal...well Ill do that as well. Either way, I am excited to begin 'blogging' and letting people know about the what haps of my miserable life.

Recently, like the past two months..or all of 2009 I have been having a pretty tough time. Between loosing my job, feeling like I have no family, Friends getting into hardcore drugs(which I really cant be around), My love life, and my alcoholic problem, I really don't know where to start. I have had quite a few good days and even more bad days, in the end whenever I sit down to think about anything all I can think about is the bad. I wish I was more optomistic about everything, I mean I'm only 21..I cant really expect things to be awesome all the time, there is always going to be something there that is keeping me from the top of my mountain, its just really frustrating right now, and believe me...a lot has gone on.

Enough about me for today I guess...