ive been sinking for over a year.

Trying to stop drinking has become very hard. Im not going to lie.

In fact, the hardest thing ive ever tried to do.

Things keep fucking popping up.

Thinking about my mother like this...hasent been here..this feeling was supposed to be gone a long fucking time ago. but its still fucking here.
this isnt fucking cool. I wish I could calm down but its very hard.

I'm so fucked. this hole is too deep.

Been running, havent been drinking, slacking at least an hour a day, waking up at 7am most of the days(except on weekends), Now all i need is a job and some more climbing/camping friends

Last night I felt pretty terrible. I got drunk and started remember a stupid dream that Ive been having, which depresses the shit out of me. I don't remember my dreams cause I don't get enough sleep, when I do sleep is usually when Ive taken part in drugs and or alcohol. Mainly alcohol. Either way, the dreams aren't that great, usually scary and involving death in some way, me not being able to run..and a hippo...which tries to viciously kill me every time it sees me and my only escape is into water, which is just fucking weird and scary. Aside from that, I have a new dream thats already reoccurred three times. Its me looking at myself in the future, the far future, and im staring at my eyes, and then I slowly back away to see myself, old and depressed looking...balding and nasty looking, I back out even more to see the apartment that I'm sitting in has absolutely nothing in it, except a chair and myself..Then I go through a flashback type thing and see all the depressing things that have happened to my future self and wake up.

It's pretty much scaring the shit out of me.

I need to start my life.

Europe anyone?

Well, its 2010...I started it out pretty drunk..for almost three days straight. Big woop to me for making a fool of myself a couple of times but whatever, I really don't care that much. Spent some time in San Fransisco with some close friends (even slept on a couch with Joey B..haha). That night was semi awkward..ran around and got drunk with people I hardly new..then made fun of everyone with Joey..while getting trashed and passing out. The next night was pretty similar but I got a bit too trashed too early.

Tomorrow, or should I say this morning, I'm headed out to Oregon with my brother and some of our friends. Pretty excited to be five minutes away from the beach for six days. Gonna try and write, take photos/video, read, drink a lot, eat some bomb food, and hopefully not get in too many fights with my brother. Also, I bought a slackline with some Christmas money, which is pretty much my new best friend...hopefully there will be a cool spot to set up in Oregon.

More French New Wave..which is amazing. Godard is genus. Period.

At least I don't hate everything right now.

How fucked up, I cant think of a single good fucking sentence..too much shit to try and write down and I'm not creative enough and lack a large vocabulary.

I watched 'The Road' by myself tonight, it feels good(yet slightly depressing) to have a theater all to yourself. If I had the money I would probably spend more time in one..or if Modesto wasn't SHIT and actually started playing good films.

I have been watching a large amount of film lately, very inspiring and moving films..that makes me want to get back into film making..on my walks I think about my old story's///scripts///ideas///shots that I had and really want make that shit happen. I'm going to bust out my dusty ass camera and play with some shots and relearn how to use Premiere and After Effects..and start working on a script and building a vocabulary...I wish I wasn't a dropout, I wish school wasn't shit. I don't need it but it would sure be fucking nice to know how to write(especially if thats what I like doing)

Things I have watched that have kicked me in the balls:

Pierrot Le Fou-Jean-Luc Godard
Solaris-Andrei Tarkovsky
The Spirit of the Beehive-Victor Erice
La Haine-Mathieu Kassovitz
Sin Nombre-Cary Fukunaga
The Trap-Srdjan Golubovic
As Revoir Les Enfants-Louis Malle
Following-Christopher Nolan
A nos amours-Maurice Pialat

Well..thats a short bit off the top of my head, if you can watch any of those I suggest you do so..(French New Wave is fucking amazing)

2010.............Shit.

Haven't written much.

Been thinking a lot. Clouded as usual.
Walking seems to be the only outlet that is keeping me happy..or sane..or insane. I dunno.

Its good though, Ive come to love Modesto a tiny bit more with my walks. Probably cause I'm not interacting with any of the people that live here. Probably cause -late at night- no one is there to bother me, no one is there to create shitty situations that I could be involved in. I guess that is one downside, not having anyone there.

I talk to this city. I don't want to fall in love with this city, I want to stay clear of any involvement whatsoever..I just want to get away from here.

It's a good feeling though. To have someone there late at night. accepting to all of my thoughts and utter shittyness.

My dreams have been bothering me lately..very vivid dreams about my mother and war. Dirty, dark, smelly, wet, depressing. Its good to see her smile though. She always smiled no matter how tough the situation was..unless of course my brother and I were fighting..her crying was the only thing that made us stop.

I know the next few months are going to be hard. as much as I'm looking forward to leaving 09 I'm not looking forward to being in 10. Shit will be rough. I'm not scared. I just really don't want to deal with bullshit.

I dont think ive been a good friend lately. I dont know what to do.

Fuck.

A dead sad man

My sleep has been getting worse. Winter usually keeps me up.

I really dont know what to write about.

Guess I am starting a band with some pretty close friends of mine, its easy to get excited about but I havent had the best of luck with bands(or anything really) so I dont want to get my hopes up.

I haven't written in my actual journal in a few weeks. Its weird how it comes in phases. Either I'm constantly writing in it or its just sitting in my bag> Its so close to being finished, Ive had it for almost two years now. One journal in Two years. Ive never finished a journal before. It is going to feel weird for sure.

I really hope to start climbing in January, I have missed it soo much this last few months. Climbing is one of the only things that makes me feel really good. Its something I think I need in order to slow down my mental craziness.

I really have nothing cool to talk about, Just feel like writing down randomness.

I'm very frustrated with nothing. I judge myself way too much. I cant be the person I want to be. I feel like I've been digging this hole for years now. I don't know how to change it.

Lets see what happens.